Dear Unsubscribe@CaglePost.com (Return Undeliverable)

Good Morning,

Please remove me from your subscriber list. Not the real subscriber list, rather the one that includes people who haven't actually subscribed. No offense to your cartoons. I'm sure they're great, I just never open your emails. Until today, of course.

It's kind of like this email I'm sending to you now. Do you really have time to read all this? Probably not. Now imagine me sending you an email like this every day. Would you really want, or have time to read it?

Not that I wouldn't enjoy sending you daily emails. I can see how this one-sided relationship could be somewhat cathartic. I could just ramble on about my daily struggles, my political views, what kind of hair day I'm having...It would be better than writing in a diary, because I would be sharing it with you. Well, I guess it wouldn't actually be sharing, since I'm not the least bit interested in what you have to say. It would be a one-sided relationship, and I think we can both agree that that's the best kind. Anyhoo, I have your email, sooo, I'll be in touch tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that...

P.S. Since you helped yourself to my email address, I went ahead and gave myself permission to use an image from your site. You don't mind do you?

sent from my iPad as well as my heart

Dear Mr. Jobs and the Apple Gang:

I know you're busy, what with launching new products, hunting down lost prototypes and waging war against our First Amendment rights. But if you could spare a few minutes, I would appreciate it if you would acknowledge that the Pages application for iPad is a worthless piece of crap.

You had to have known that the documents created on Pages were going to be incompatible with any other platforms, yet you released it anyway. Not only that, you promoted the Hell out of it, and then sold it for $9.99 a pop! It stands at #2 on your top grossing iPad apps. You must be so proud. Maybe you should expand this visionary concept into other product markets. Like auto manufacturing. Imagine how great all those suburban driveways would look sporting little iCars; sleek and white with their minimalist Apple design. They would be eco-friendly, too, because a slight glitch in the motor's design would cause it to shut off when the driver reaches the end of the driveway!

You're off to a great start on this concept with the Pages app. I created a fantastic looking resume with Pages, and yet for 3 months, it has sat idle in my iPad driveway. I can't send it in a readable format to any potential employer, unless they also happen to have an iPad, which is highly unlikely. As if my stalled career isn't bad enough, I've lost countless hours searching for possible workarounds. You could have easily saved me the hours of anguish by being up front about the app's shortcomings. I have an idea. Since you seem to be stretched pretty thin these days, why don't you just hire me? I have an awesome resume, and, like you, I'm highly skilled in the art of not fixing problems. Or maybe you could put me in charge of your iBait and Switch Department.

I would like to end this on a sentimental note. Remember back in the day when Apple customers were part of a unique Tribe? That was when you were still working for them, not the other way around. Now you've got yourself an empire complete with commoner subjects and dissension. Historically speaking, these things tend to end badly. You saw Braveheart, right? FREEEEE-DOMMMMMM.

Call me.

Dear Identity Theft Opportunist:

First of all, you're so much more than just a thief. You're like the Stephen Hawking of the crime world. While regular criminals are reaping all the glory with drive-by shootings and bank robberies, you're laying low, quietly wreaking havoc on the world while simultaneously making a mockery of our bureaucratic system. Your ability to steal, excuse me, obtain without permission, a complete stranger's identity against the formidable obstacles put forth by such bureaucracies as the DMV and the Social Security Administration, makes you worthy of my deepest admiration and respect.

If only I were equally as gifted. Instead, I've been struggling for some time to obtain a drivers license with much less favorable results. The process started when I moved back to Texas, from Colorado.  Wouldn't you know that I lost that Colorado drivers license along the way. I had some things to take care of before getting a drivers license, like auto insurance and whatnot, so I obtained a Texas issued photo identification card for the interim. I managed to get this done by proving my identity with a hodgepodge of documentation. Let's see, I showed them my birth certificate, a high school diploma, maybe a pay stub. I don't quite remember, but it worked.

Well, when it came time to go to get my driver's license, I went back to the DMV, waited in line for an hour only to be told that the identification that was issued to me BY the state of Texas wasn't good enough to prove my identity TO the state of Texas for drivers licensing purposes. I was told that I needed a Social Security card. That's right, the paper CARD that I haven't seen for years, because you aren't supposed to carry it with you, which is inevitably how things get lost in my world. Anyway, I bet you've created dozens of those cards with Photoshop. Oh how I envy your resourcefulness. 

I don't have Photoshop, so I went to the Social Security Administration office. The first time I went over  there, I was told it would be about a three hour wait, and I just didn't have that kind of time. I'm not self-employed like you, so every time I try to take care of stuff like this, it requires my getting approval to take time off from work.

Fortunately, the next time I went, it wasn't so bad. I only waited an hour. When they called my number I merrily skipped up to the counter, gave the clerk my application and showed her my Texas ID and birth certificate. Did I mention that I was born right here in the state of Texas? Well, I was. Oh, but that wasn't good enough, said the clerk lady. Since I've been married before, I needed to show her a certified copy of my divorce decree AND another form of ID with my former married name. Well, you can probably figure out what happened next. No, I didn't open fire. Worse. I cried. Just like that Pakistani baby that was wailing non-stop in the waiting area.

After that, I went and got drunk and then came up with a plan. That's where you come in. It seems silly for me to hang on to an identity that I can't even use, so why don't I just give it to you? I mean, it's not exactly top of the line as far as identities go, but it's authentic. My credit score is pretty bad and I owe some people money, but it's not like I'm a criminal or anything. No offense. I just thought you might be able to get more use out of my identity than I'm getting.

All I need in exchange is the use of one of your stolen passports. Nothing fancy. Just something that will get me across the border. Because, according to the Texas Department of Motor Vehicles and the U.S. Government, that's where I belong.

a usted atentamente,

Nobody

P.S. If you're interested in this offer, leave a comment with your email address and I'll send you the goods. But first, I'll need proof that you're a real identity thief.